Playing at CMJ Is Generally Not Fun For Bands (Based on several more-or-less true stories)

Here we are in New York City!! ZOMG I can’t believe we’re playing the CMJ Music Marathon!  It’s where Archers of Loaf got discovered, man!  This is gonna RULE!

…. but first we have to pick up those artist badges. Where’s the pickup place again? Lincoln Center? The Puck Building? Our show is in Williamsburg, but I guess we should drive into Manhattan and pick those up.

[2 hrs of sitting in New York traffic]

Shit, there’s nowhere to park here. Ok, well, I’ll just run in and get the badges for all of us, you guys wait in the van….

[20 minutes of waiting in line]

…. oh, everybody in the band needs to pick up their OWN badge? Um, alright, well, I guess they won’t mind…

…. hey guys, sorry, you had to pick up your own badges… I know, I asked!  I know, you really wanted to see that big show at the Bowery Ballroom! Don’t worry, we can come back here tomorrow and then we can see a thousand bands and it will TOTALLY RULE!

[1 hr of sitting in Brooklyn-bound traffic]

Here we are, at some dinky bar in Brooklyn, where we could probably book a show with our friends any time! What’s that? A couple “showcase” bands got added to the bill? Oh, I guess that’s cool. We’re on at 9, right? Oh, we got bumped to 7:35? Ok… we’ll have to call some of our friends and let them know, but I’m sure they’ll come out. What time is the band on after us? 7:50? Wow, that isn’t that long to play… but I’m sure it will be a lot of fun!

Alright, let’s get set up! We have to use the club’s decrepit backline, but I’m sure this is going to be fine — it was good enough for the last 17 bands! Hey miserable-looking-sound-guy-whose-name-I-have-made-a-point-of-remembering-and-have-been-totally-nice-to, could you take a look at this obviously broken guitar amplifier? What’s that? You don’t have fucking time and we need to fucking play right now? Oh, ok… uh… HEY GUYS WE’RE SO HAPPY TO BE HERE WE’RE GOING TO PLAY SOME MUSIC FOR YOU AND A ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

[15 minutes of rushed, joyless music]

Ok, I guess that’s it, we really enjoyed trying to play a couple songs for you! The sound was actually kind of ok by the last one, huh? Thanks for coming!

[Night of crashing on somebody’s floor, followed by awesome day of hanging out with friends from out of town]

… You know, maybe this CMJ thing isn’t so bad. It’s nice to see all these people I only get to see here and at SXSW! And tonight, we’re all gonna get to go see some AWESOME bands at the Bowery Ballroom!  And we get to go for FREE because we have these artist badges!

… Wow, that looks like a pretty long line outside the Bowery Ballroom. I guess all those chumps don’t have artist badges like we do!

… Hello, security guy, here is my awesome artist badge! I am an artist! What’s that? No more badges? You stopped letting badges in an hour ago? What about all these people who are getting in?? They have tickets??? As in, like, paper-fucking-tickets? That cost more than we got paid to play last night — which, by the way, barely even begins to cover the price of the gas we burned through to get here????

Fuck this.

[Awesome night of hanging out with friends from out of town who also couldn’t get into any shows with their CMJ badges]